Gwennie here

After reading Monica's most recent post and then talking to her on the phone, it occurred to me that this would probably be the best way to reach out and let everyone know that I'm doing okay. As Monica said, the emails and cards are so touching but so numerous that it's sometimes overwhelming to respond to all of them.

Again, I'm doing okay. There are moments when I think of Mom in a happy way. When I know I'm doing something she wouldn't approve of (like going over 65 on the highway), I feel guiltier than I ever did when she was alive. Sometimes a song that reminds me of her comes on the radio and I'll just smile. And then this morning it occurred to me that I had the bag of jewelry she had at McLean and decided to wear her beautiful (and totally ancient) Seiko watch. As I struggled with the clasp, I remembered helping her put on her jewelry when I was little before she went to work. Little memories like that pop up in my head all the time, and for that I am so, so grateful.

Then there are other times that I sink into a rut that seems impossible to get out of. I was walking around New York City on Monday and got a little lost because I couldn't remember if the even streets went east or west. My mom used to live in New York and would always be able to answer questions like that without skipping a beat. I typed "Ma" into my phone to find "Maman" and pressed Send. When I remembered a second later that she wouldn't pick up it was like she died all over again. Tears started streaming down my face under my sunglasses and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. However, I kept trudging on and eventually met up with good friends was able to come out of it.

The amount that I miss her is the heaviest thing I've ever felt. But my memory of her, especially from the last 8 months, is like a warm blanket I can wrap myself up into and immediately feel close to her again. The other thing that helps is the emails and cards from all of you. I feel so badly because I don't always respond, but please be assured that they are more than appreciated. My sister and I have felt so supported through this whole process and feel especially so now. So thank you :)

I wish everyone a happy New Year. If 2010 isn't better than 2009 (or 2008, or 2007, or 2006, etc) I give up.